How Can Couples Who Are So Well-Matched End Up Unhappy?

The answer is that there are lots of ways that people can be unhappy. Sometimes life throws the couple a huge challenge, and it can overwhelm their ability to cope. Sometimes one of the partners, or both, can have an individual problem that causes problems in the marriage, no matter how compatible they are. And every once in a while, a well-matched couple can find themselves totally hung up on just one or two narrowly focused conflicts, namely kids and work. Allow me to give you an example.

Jack and Jennifer got married together in their late thirties and were worried about having fertility problems, so they didn’t waste time trying to have kids. And to their great joy, they had no trouble conceiving their first child, which turned out to be a girl. A couple of years later they figured it was time for their daughter to have a little brother or sister, and to their delight they had no trouble conceiving a little sister for her. And then, within just a few months of her birth, they had another little sister for her on the way. Now this last time of having their third child, they were not exactly delighted, because they had planned on having only two children.

By the time Jack and Jennifer came to see their counselor, their children were ages one through four. It quickly became very clear that the problems they were having were due to the children having crowded out their own interpersonal relationship. It was not just that the kids required a lot of work; as a matter of fact, Jack and Jennifer handled their part quite well. The problem was that they had allowed the kids to intrude on their personal couple relationship in ways that could of been prevented. Bedtimes were often an issue, and all too often either Jack or Jennifer would fall asleep with the children. And as you can guess, their sex life suffered as a result. But that is not all; they had not cleared a space for their relationship in other ways. They hardly ever went out together at night, and they had never taken a weekend off for some time to be alone and have dates together, like they used to before the children.

Jack and Jennifer’s counselor also discovered that the kids were not the only thing that they had let in the way of staying close to one another, it was their jobs as well, especially since they were both high-powered jobs. Jack was in a fast-track corporate job, and Jennifer was working long ours at home pulling legal work. They both worked all of the time, while juggling the kids.

Sometimes people overwhelm themselves to an amazing degree. Once the situations are taken to marriage counselors the problems are often found out to be a direct result of not handling the situations correctly. You are always responsible for your actions. If the kids are eating into your romantic time then make time. If your job is too much for the relationship to handle, then get another job. I realize it may sound hard to do, but it is not, and you only have this one lifetime to love and cherish your spouse and children. Make time for whatever it takes to be happy together.

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